


sharp as knives

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6337471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is abrupt. Jessica knows this way too well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sharp as knives

**Author's Note:**

> Slight warning for lapslock.
> 
> _But_ with good reason - my roommate's cat nearly murdered my laptop in a really ugly attempt to be an ass. I wanted to post this a lot earlier and had to rewrite a chunk of this instead, ended up restructuring it and just kind of going with it.
> 
> So hopefully you enjoy it. And hopefully the cat stays away from my laptop.

-

 

 

jessica locks the door.

"why are you calling again," she says to the phone, to tiffany, which, well, is going to be confusing to explain. they are in paris and it's after six. she is going to need a coffee to survive the series of dinners she has over the next couple of days as it is.

"soojungie," tiffany says breezily, "said i could call you. said your number hadn't changed. i bought her a pair of cute sneakers. so i guess you could call it me bribing your sister."

"basically."

paris is impressive, of course. stretches against the twin windows in her hotel room. it's dark and all she can see are lights, twinkling lights that seem too surreal to be apart of anything else but the scenery. you have to love paris. it doesn't give you a chance to do anything else. and it's probably why she's not really reacting to tiffany.

"but you haven't answered my question." she drops to her bed. sighs, her head falling into the pillows. "you called, you even bribed my sister, but you haven't revealed to me the great, _mysterious_ reason as to why you decided to -"

"oh shut up," tiffany cuts through.

there is a pause. jessica laughs. sometimes i miss you too, she doesn't say.

"meet me for coffee," tiffany says.

jessica rolls her eyes. she checks her watch. "it's nearly eleven."

"so?"

in the dark of her room, she spots her reflection next. there's a mirror over the writing desk. jessica is wearing a frown.

"fine," she says.

it feels like regret.

 

 

 

 

 

the coffee shop is unexpected. when tiffany says to pick, what she means is PICK, and jessica hates feeling the pressure because she always thought that, at the very least, there would be some alcohol involve, whether it was tiffany or yuri that she met with first.

when she arrives, she passes without recognition. which is nice. she finds a table. there's a view and a bicycle that leans against the wall inside. there is a basket and flowers spilling over and she thinks to herself: how very tiffany.

in the meantime, she makes a list. excuses herself and tells the owner that she is waiting for an old friend. that's not a lie. she writes her list against the back of a napkin though, numbers sloppily and writes things like 'bungee jumping!' and 'retiring by forty?' which would just be boring, she supposes. later, she'll discover that she and tiffany are actually staying in the same hotel. their fashion week experiences are still a contrast of experiences; jessica prefers the odd names, ten steps ahead of what everyone else is wearing, and inspiration for herself.

"i'm here as the middle man." tiffany arrives sans fanfare. drops into the seat across from and orders their coffee. "or woman," she quips, expression bright.

jessica scowls. "you're lying."

and that is as dramatic as their reunion goes, as close as old college roommates, worlds apart but still managing to make time because these are the adulthood things you're supposed to do anyway.

"no seriously," tiffany says. drowns her coffee too. "the only one that knows that i agreed to this is taeyeon."

jessica's heart launches into her throat. her fingers flutter against it too, pushing into her skin.

"you're not serious," she says.

"as a heart attack, actually." tiffany grins. jessica reminds herself that she isn't drunk. so this is like pure regret. "but enough of that, happy ten year anniversary!"

this feels a little cruel, a little honest, and a myriad of feels just hit her. she hates that she feels... she can't even wrap her head around it.

"so -"

"what do you want me to say," jessica asks quietly.

tiffany sighs. "thank you?"

"you're an idiot." jessica groans, rubbing her eyes. "i'm the bigger idiot for agreeing to this. and i'm sure taeyeon thinks you're an idiot for reaching out."

a strange look crosses tiffany's face. it's unreadable. maybe misplaced, even. jessica feels a little like hiding. it's confusing. she wasn't prepared for this. her fingers pulse against her throat and then she drops her hand. she reaches for her coffee and then doesn't pick it up.

"we miss you," tiffany says softly. she leans across the table. she doesn't reach for jessica's hand. "you yourself said it was going to take some time -"

"i feel like you're trying to tell me something." her voice is dry. "are we practicing for healing camp?"

"no," tiffany shoots. "just listen -"

she pauses. dramatically. so dramatically that jessica has to bite back a laugh, twisting her head to look out the window. her eyes feel a little heavy. there's pressure at her temple and she's going to regret the coffee in the morning.

"you should call taeyeon," tiffany says. "if anything," she manages, "it should be the two of you that talk first. i know that it's weighing heavily on her."

tiffany catches her fingers and squeezes. they knock at her coffee. it swirls and splashes against the rim.

jessica thinks about falling and hates it.

 

 

 

 

 

news breaks that she's going back to television. her album is a mystery. people write that it's probably going to coincide with a, b, and c (it's so not) but that's there, a reality, and a whole bunch of other things that she's not entirely sure she's ready to release to the world. fashion is the safest place right now; even as the most dangerous.

"you should call her," soojung says from the bed. 

jessica rolls her eyes at her sister. "you stay out of it." she points and then hits her square in the face with a pillow. "you could have told me that tiffany wanted to talk."

"i forgot." soojung turns on her back, her head dangling off the side of the bed. her hair falls underneath her. "it wasn't like - i don't know. you know how eonni is."

"i do," jessica says dryly.

"she makes my head spin a little." soojung stops short from being shy. "i don't know... it was weird. i didn't know what to do. and, you know, everyone thinks i'm dating lay now."

"are you?" jessica retorts.

soojung laughs. she smiles mysteriously. "i just like motorcycles," she says, and jessica hits her in the face with a pillow again.

this is a good idea, jessica thinks. she feels like the older they get, the more they have to work at being just sisters. which is kind of painful. more so than ever these days. but she moves to the bed, drops and thinks about the list that's somewhere in the pocket of a pair of jeans that she might have worn to coffee with tiffany.

"it was weird," she admits quietly, mirroring soojung on the bed. she skews her arm over her eyes and sighs. "i just kind of went. didn't think about it. went and decided it was a good idea to be there... until tiffany said a bunch of stuff and boom!"

"boom?" soojung interjects, laughing.

jessica hits her arm. "boom," she repeats. "she goes in the same damn sentence call taeyeon and happy ten year anniversary like it's supposed to mean something."

it would be a lie if she said she hadn't thought about it. at least, not out loud. because she has. thought about it. and thought some more. and more. she's written a song about it, but she's not taeyeon and that will not, so not see the light of day on _any album_. rarely are there times where jessica feels small, but she's here, even after paris, thinking about how paris made her feel impossibly small. and not even in the romantic way.

soojung is gentle. "and did it?" she turns on her stomach, staring down at jessica. "mean something?" she adds.

jessica's arm drops away from her face.

she feels a lot older. her response remains simple: "does it always?"

 

 

 

 

 

soojung stays in bed when jessica sleepwalks to the kitchen. she's restless. she won't admit it. instead of going to the cabinet and find whatever tea that isn't expired (there is an embarrassing amount), she manages to find a pen. then she finds a takeout menu and tiredly scribbles the remaining numbers of her list.

4\. _start talking to the girls (kind of like clearing the air? i guess?)_

5\. _go to spain like an actual vacation_

6\. _remember to love_

she pauses. then writes again. bolding over her the text. it starts as _remember to love_. she feels a little clinical. then her pen changes it into: **REMEMBER TO LOVE**. "it sounds like a ballad," she says, out loud, and maybe that's her universal cue. she does push her list away, then leaves in search of her phone, left to charge by the balcony door instead of her bedroom.

she dials the number by memory. listens to a song instead of a few rings. then gets a voicemail.

"look," she says. "this is weird. i'm also tired and this feels extra weird and i don't know how to handle that, taeyeon. or the fact that tiffany said happy anniversary to me, which was also weird, and i have a lot of feelings again -"

she pauses. because this is stupid, she thinks. all she has to do is send a text. she has two meetings tomorrow. she sent two texts before bed doing the same thing; meet me here, read the first one, and no, absolutely not, said the second one. these are things that she can do. does do. on a daily basis, of course. with no feeling or effort. they feel a lot like habits as it is.

so jessica sighs into a phone. "should we meet?" she asks, prompting another pause. "is that why - i just don't understand that why, if tiffany wanted to meet with me, it became about you. were things that bad between us? am i just being crazy?"

she picks up a pen and writes over her words again. **REMEMBER TO LOVE.** ugh, she thinks. the feeling sinks into her belly.

"if i'm not crazy," she says. then she sighs, resigned. "i'll be at the studio on tuesday. i'll text you the address."

jessica pinches her nose.

"no strings," she adds. "if you show, then you show. it'll be weird, but you'll be there. and if you don't... i won't hold it against you."

her voice feels like an echo as she starts to the bedroom again. it could be the promise.

"i won't," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

(she sends flowers for her birthday.)

(she doesn't mean to.)

 

 

 

 

 

her interactions with tyler are limited. tightly monitored and professional. she will admit to this: he was the worst boyfriend, on a list of boyfriends that held some real _winners_ , and if you ask her, she will list there names on a scale of asshole to super asshole because that's how she remembers her boyfriends. assholes.

but they don't teach social interactions in business school, or how they are laced with things like sponsors and terrible media assumptions. you learn that fast and hard in the press. so she literally buys him dinner when they breakup, states, factually, that she has him by the balls and she'd like to keep their professional relationship via email and social gatherings. only because she can't bring a taser that way.

the company studio is still lovely.

there's something intimate about it being so small, hidden in hongdae because no one will look for you in plain sight. she has access and silence, all secondary requests, things she thinks about even as she wait for taeyeon to not show up or show up, her marker tracing over her list and the phrase **REMEMBER TO LOVE**. it sounds like ballad, she thinks with a frown. a drama ost, she thinks too.

groaning, she pushes the paper away and moves around the studio, lighting candles because she needs to be distracted. you're busy, she tells herself.

"the door was unlocked."

jessica jumps and drops the lighter. she blinks. there's taeyeon. like there, right there. she's leaning awkwardly into the frame of the door like she's been there for awhile.

"yeah," she greets. "it's just me tonight."

taeyeon bites her lip.

"happy belated," jessica offers. 

"thanks," taeyeon mumbles. it feels a little sharp and she pushes herself away from the door. she moves deeper into the studio. "you sent flowers," she adds. she shuffles into standing in front of jessica. "they were pretty."

jessica shrugs, caught. she remembers that too. not because it was something distinct and necessary. she sent flowers to yoona too. to yuri at her drama. she sent flowers because flowers are the right thing to do. she signed yoona's card with a love you and yuri's with - j because that is seemingly more intimate than say hey, well, i'm sorry when it's your best friend and _both_ you are due to apologize.

taeyeon got a card. happy birthday. as a blank apology. some things are better in person as it is.

"it was the right thing to do," she says evenly.

taeyeon nods. "i didn't know that this was here." she brushes her fingers over a few buttons. "company's?"

"yeah." jessica shrugs, biting her lip. "i like this one because it's private. it feels a little like mine."

"that's a good reason."

"i think so."

they stare at each other. jessica leans lightly on the countertop by the soundboard, watching taeyeon as she tries not to be too curious. but she reads it though. it's right there, on her face. 

"what did you do?" jessica asks, feels like she blurts it though. taeyeon meets her gaze. "for your birthday," she corrects herself.

"nothing." taeyeon shrugs. "i went home. spent it with my brother. the girls took me to italian. but i worked on my birthday. like you do."

jessica laughs. taeyeon smiles a little, biting her lip.

"sorry tiffany... i don't know. paris?"

taeyeon kind of lets that one drop. seems taken at back that she does too. jessica reads it all over her face, if only because she stands a little taller. tenses too.

"it was weird," jessica relents. "i had always hoped that if you talked to me, it would be to me. or... or nothing at all, i guess. i don't know. it just made me feel weird."

taeyeon nods. she picks up jessica's list. jessica makes a half-hearted attempt at reaching for it. then stops herself because taeyeon is already stepping away, only to turn and sit to her. there's an honest smile. her chin perks up and her fingers spread over the words. **REMEMBER TO LOVE** disappears under her thumb. she hates that she feels unsure about all of this right now. ironic, she thinks.

"i heard your album is done?"

she looks up. "almost," jessica says vaguely.

taeyeon blinks. "i'm sure it's fine."

"it's never fine," jessica says, sighing. of course it is though, she thinks. people keep telling her so. but jessica doesn't trust it quite yet. it's a little harder when they are songs that are hers, only hers, and her mistakes are sharper than she wants or needs them to be. "and," she says. "i'm not kim taeyeon. my voice has a lot of flaws." she shrugs. "so it's not fine. fine isn't good."

"it's the prettiest," taeyeon argues. her response is instant. "i'm sure it still it is."

jessica snorts. "are you flirting with me?"

"probably," taeyeon says. her mouth curls and jessica's sort of taken aback. her gaze feels a little brighter and taeyeon's expression shifts serenely. "but then again, i'm also a lot more nervous than i want to be."

"why are you nervous -" jessica stops short of reaching for her, her fingers drifting over her arms. taeyeon is still holding the paper and jessica realizes that she's probably just as nervous, her heart sinking into her throat. "don't answer that," she says. "i kind of regret asking."

taeyeon laughs. "you haven't changed."

jessica thinks: this is really hard.

and it stays hard, the few minutes that they spend standing there, staring at each other. because that's what they do - stare. it still gives her the opportunity; taeyeon is tired, looks tired, and there is the difference between looking and _being_ , of which taeyeon wears both. 

"tiffany said you looked good," taeyeon finally tells her. clears her throat. she walks and sits in the producers chair, picking up a pen jessica left behind. "she was right," taeyeon observes. 

"i don't think she was that nice," she replies. because it's true. when tiffany is angry with you, she isn't nice. she's defensive. it's how they always got along.

taeyeon snorts. "i'm paraphrasing."

jessica shakes her head. "you're too nice."

"so how is it going," taeyeon continues on, "really - the album, your... stuff?" it's a valiant attempt at being _something_. jessica feels just as lost. it's like she's imagined all the things she would say; the moment, here and now, feels a million times more confusing as it is. "you're going to be on television again."

"i am." jessica tries not to look surprise. "in april."

"and your album?"

jessica pauses, searching taeyeon's face.

"you're here, aren't you?"

and she means it - _that_. jessica's never not meant anything she's said.

it's starts with a whimper. not a bang.

(at least for jessica.)

 

 

 

 

 

"remember to love sounds like a ballad," taeyeon says somewhere after hour two or three. her producer rescheduled. it's fine. jessica's got four meetings in the morning; her mind is standing in a million different places right now, not ready to hold onto one.

"it does, doesn't it," she says from the booth. they're just messing around. like kids. taeyeon has already changed two, tweaked melodies. it's intimidating.

taeyeon bites at a pen. "do you have lyrics?"

"in my bag," jessica mumbles. she fakes a note on the sheet music in front of her. "in a notebook..." 

she thinks about her purse. then doesn't. another time, maybe.

instead, she leans into the music stand. "let's go ice skating."

"what?"

"ice skating," she repeats. she waves her hand around. "i can't think today. i'm tired." she sighs, pinching her nose. "i'm distracted," she says, out loud. "i can't think with you here."

taeyeon laughs.

"i know how that feels." the statement feels cryptic. "where would we go?"

jessica shrugs. "i bet we could find a place."

"private though?"

"give me a sec," jessica says and then she's texting soojung who forwards her to amber because, of course, OF COURSE, amber randomly knows a guy because she passed the same information onto victoria and nichkhun at some point which, of course, is weird news to jessica. it makes all of this weirder, she guesses.

but ten minutes later, she has the name of a place, a guy who texts her because WILL MEET U2 IN FRONT and that's the price of an autograph, she guesses.

"did you drive?" she asks taeyeon.

taeyeon nods. "i did." she's grabbing her keys, cleaning up. she's going with it. then she passes jessica's bag into her hands. "i guess we're going."

"i guess so," she agrees.

it's not talking. it's definitely uncomfortable. in a way, it's almost appropriate. either they talked or they didn't. jessica can remember all those long, lasting, well into the night when the rest of the girls were sleeping and taeyeon would say to jessica _i'm not good enough_ which was always a deep-seeded fear for all of them.

she feels strange thinking about those moments, older. rubbing her eyes, she sort of stops, half reaching for her bag, half not. her mouth feels a little tight.

"you know," she says. "i didn't think we'd be here, like this."

taeyeon is quiet.

"i think about a lot of things. i guess i've moved past it too in away. but... like some of those comments hurt, i guess. sooyoung's reliable sisters. tiffany -" she laughs a little, sharply even, and it makes the back of her throat twist. taeyeon's eyes are dark. "even wished me happy anniversary... and it's like, when did we come to this. even though, we have to move on."

she stops herself. like sharply. because it feels like a broken record. she isn't saying anything that taeyeon doesn't know. she doesn't have to go beyond the simple mechanics. isn't this how it goes? the one to go first always bears the brunt of the blame. always.

taeyeon steps forward. grabs her hand. it's abrupt enough to not feel like taeyeon, but quiet enough to _feel_ like taeyeon and it's weird and it makes jessica sort of jolt back, unable to pull her fingers away in time.

"it's weird to still think about," she says softly. taeyeon's grip is hard. her gaze changes. "sometimes," she manages, "i feel like i'm going to turn around and still see you here."

"i'm not a ghost," jessica murmurs. she bites at her tongue, swallowing. "you need to stop making me into one."

"that's not the point."

"isn't it?"

jessica blinks. taeyeon looks away. it doesn't matter who says what at this point; jessica feels the argument is going to forever remain circular.

"anyway," she mumbles. "ice skating."

taeyeon looks surprised. then amused. then she shrugs and leads jessica outside, waiting when she locks up, leading to her the car, and all jessica can think, even come to terms with is this: this is the longest they've spent together in years.

 

 

 

 

 

amber, in fact, knows a guy. who has a girlfriend. and in a flurry of signing a quick, sharp, secretive round of autographs ("amber promised to murder me into little bits," the guy tells them, eyeing his girlfriend wearily, "and told me that it would probably be soojung that will help -" and this makes jessica laugh because, of course, her sister is behind this too) and taeyeon promising to do well on her next solo adventure.

but it's the mall. which causes jessica to pause. and she really can't go anywhere because taeyeon drove and her stuff is in the car and really, every other aspect of her life is easily planned but this one, strange moment.

"i haven't been ice skating in a really long time," taeyeon comments, leading the way. the guy pointed them in the direction of the rink; they have until two am, just before his shift ends. "i just remember the last time i fell on my butt -"

"you were racing with yoon," jessica comments dryly. "we had chicken and too much to drink."

"oh." taeyeon blinks. "you were there..."

jessica shrugs. "you're getting old," she chooses to say. it feels a little dry. a little angry. she focuses on grabbing a pair of skates for herself. "you should get that checked out -"

"sorry," taeyeon mumbles. 

they're quiet. it's a weird feeling: the large, empty space is lit with the sound of the two of them lacing their skates. jessica tries to force herself to get through it, then gives up, fumbling with her phone and pulling up her music to at least fill the space with something.

but taeyeon is standing first, her hand outstretched again, eyeing her carefully.

"your balance is worse than mine." taeyeon's eyes brighten a little. "i might have to send you flowers after this."

"might?" jessica's eyes are bright.

taeyeon blushes, ducking and laughing. it's a surprising reaction for jessica. "might," she clarifies, but says nothing beyond that. "it'll have to be some kind of a surprise, i guess."

"i hate surprises." jessica snorts, half-teasing. "they make me paranoid."

"even better," taeyeon replies, and her voice is a little light.

suddenly, it's there, that feeling, the one that sinks into the pit of her stomach and starts to pull apart. she hasn't thought about that feeling in a really long time. but it's there. beyond the love songs. beyond the last couple of years. that feeling of inexplicable loss. it pulls at her throat, drying her tongue even as she presses it against the roof of her mouth.

her fingers curl lightly around taeyeon's. "yeah," she breathes. "i forget."

all of this is not true.

 

 

 

 

 

in paris, before she goes back to her hotel, tiffany buys chocolate for the two of them to share.

"we've been selfish," tiffany tells her. "like really selfish. all of us. maybe the eight of us worse than you. it's been really hard to say because none of us talk about it. only when we're drunk." she wrinkles her nose. "which is awful, you know. not having an honest conversation without alcohol."

jessica huffs, shaking her head. "pot and kettle," she shoots.

"whatever." tiffany rolls her eyes. "it's not like we give each other time to process anything. remember when yoona was the first of us to really do well as an actor -"

"not the same," jessica says quietly. this is messy, she thinks. she always knew that this was going to be messy. "yoon's success is not the same. and it belongs to her," she adds. she wishes for another coffee. "so does yours. and yuri's. and sooyoung's. and taeyeon's," she finishes sharply. 

"but -"

jessica shakes her head. "it isn't," she says and that instance, she pulls, pulls hard at these memories that suddenly surface. "because taeyeonnie, you, and even sooyoungie were all first in line, envious and walking around brightly, all singing yoona's praises - rightfully so. you even said that if she needed to leave, if she needed the time -" jessica stops herself, sighing. she rubs her eyes and reaches for chocolate. "i don't want to fight about this."

tiffany stares at her. then laughs, lightly, which may make this whole experience weirder than it really it is.

"that's what taeyeon said," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

soojung is the skater. she's graceful, her little sister, in a way that makes her that much more intimidating than she needs to be. jessica just enjoys doing it; she isn't afraid to fall either, which makes her the more dangerous one.

she is skating backwards, watching taeyeon as she pushes off the wall with a deep sigh. her legs tremble and jessica's mouth is twitching a little.

"falling is healthy for you," she calls.

taeyeon glares. "shut. up."

"you didn't have to say yes," she continues, sort of apologetic. but not really. the regret is too small.

"but i did," taeyeon calls back, and jessica skates forward, swimming around taeyeon until she comes to spin at her side. she reaches out and grabs taeyeon's hand. "i don't need help," taeyeon mutters.

"this isn't about you hanging onto the wall though," jessica points out. "we might as well skate around."

"says you." taeyeon pouts. "isn't this how horror films happen."

jessica snorts. "you wouldn't be the first to go," she says. "that would probably be yuri. she would argue with the ghost to death."

"or sooyoung," taeyeon laughs. "hyoyeon would just leave for the bar."

jessica laughs. "all true."

"do you do this a lot," taeyeon half-asks, shyly, her voice softening abruptly because the space is small and large, a contradiction because they are alone and the music from her phone is starting to fade. she is going to kill her battery, she thinks. "skate?" taeyeon adds awkwardly.

jessica shrugs and then tugs taeyeon along, slipping her arm through hers and sort of guiding the other woman along as they start to skate around the small ring. the music from her phone is sort of dim, lame even but jessica doesn't care. it's nice, she thinks. it's nice to spend time with someone and not have the whole world watching her. it's nice not to be strategic about her time.

"did you tell tiffany to talk to me," she asks, maybe again, she can't really remember. she doesn't look at taeyeon. "in paris," she clarifies. "because that was weird."

taeyeon snorts. "i bet."

"that's not an answer," she points out, dryly.

taeyeon is quiet. she sort of stumbles, then digs her fingers into jessica's arm to steady herself.

"i've been drinking a lot more," she says, unsteadily. she leans her full weight into jessica, trying to maintain some kind of balance and reality. jessica remembers taeyeon's habits just like that. "it's embarrassing," taeyeon admits. "i think it was stress. i think it's because i've been working so much that -"

"you're not resting," jessica murmurs.

taeyeon sighs. "yeah." then after awhile, she admits: "it's different for me." there's a lot of shame behind the words. jessica is familiar with it. because the only time that she and taeyeon would talk, back before all of this happened, was when it was serious, when they could have adult conversations about life and moving forward. they had those more than anything else. "i just," taeyeon starts, then stops and very nearly gives into stumbling again. "it gets harder," she admits. "it's gets harder when you know how responsible you actually are, even when you're thinking about - well, what if i wasn't doing this."

"are you seeing someone?" jessica asks, immediately even.

"dating?" taeyeon is dry. "no."

jessica flushes, rolling her eyes. "you know what i mean."

taeyeon shrugs. "yes." she swallows. "not as often as i would like to. but i am. we meet for coffee to look like friends."

"does it help?"

"sometimes. sometimes i end up resenting that it isn't someone that i love that's sitting across from me. sometimes it makes me feel a lot lonelier than i really want to be."

"we're a product of our own choices," jessica says carefully. she adjusts taeyeon's hand on her arm and pulls herself up to full height. "it's the cost of embracing adulthood, i guess." she pauses, shaking her head. "seeing tiffany in paris was weird," she admits. "and nice. because i thought about how i might have -"

jessica stops. actually stops and catches herself. because that is a thought she doesn't want to share. because it's hard. it's painful. and it certainly doesn't belong here, between the two of them at all. she swallows her own words.

"i regret and don't regret it." she meets taeyeon's gaze. "and that may be the hardest part of it."

she lets go of taeyeon's hand, spinning around and skating in front of her. she watches taeyeon move. carefully, always carefully. but she's able to stand alone.

"besides," she says. she smiles a little. not brightly. just a light twist of her mouth. "you certainly don't miss me."

taeyeon stops. it's abrupt. she sways forward and nearly falls - jessica is too fast, reactive as always, dragging her hands over taeyeon's arms and catching her before her knees hit the ice. her balance shifts and nearly snaps. but she grits her teeth and manages.

"that's not true."

taeyeon's voice is sharp. then it's hard.

"that's not true at all."

and then she kisses her.

 

 

 

 

 

(this has happened before; a total of two times; once, they were actually drunk, like RIDICULOUSLY drunk, and all jessica could taste was the sharpness of the soju for the first time, along with regret and how stupidly restless she was in bed and how oh my _god_ sooyoung needed to SO take care of that snoring problem; it's like this: she does not remember how long the walk from her bedroom to taeyeon's took, not that it's important, but there are things like the kitchen light was on and yoona was going to be late again because of filming so whatever - but she found herself in taeyeon and tiffany's room, then taeyeon's bed instead of tiffany's bed and crawling into bed seemed like the logical thing to do because it smelled soft, warm, and then taeyeon seemed to accept that this is what she was going to do; and maybe, there is that distinct memory, you know, the one where all she could smell was taeyeon's perfume, the softness of flowers and clean sheets, which oh god seems to where it starts to hurts because all taeyeon says is "- sica?" and then jessica is pressing her mouth, open and wet, into hers.)

(this has happened before; a total of two times; the second, they were on the beach and filming a show, the other girls giggling into sleep and honestly, all jessica wants to do is sleep and SHOWER because camping isn't exactly her thing; give me cities, she tells taeyeon, waving her hands around, and the noise, i need the noise - and taeyeon, right there, behind the shower door because she's trying to escape to, this might've been the summer where the girls started calling them mom and dad anyway, leans in and kisses her nose, then her mouth, closed and slight, sighing into a tremble because she's nervous and jessica doesn't actually kiss her back because she doesn't know what to do.)

 

 

 

 

jessica breathes first.

it sort of hits her, not completely, as she reaches into taeyeon, if only to steady the two of them against the ice. because all of this, this? it's just ridiculous. this is as far as her brain goes, as far as processing it rationally. her mouth opens and she sort of sighs, easing almost lazily into the kiss, pressing her teeth into taeyeon's lip.

they sway. it's the ice. it's silly and romantic and so unlike them, she thinks. even though she doesn't know what they are. she doesn't even know anything beyond the small, select moments that she can piece together in her head without trying to hard or just remembering off cue.

but jessica kisses her back, like actually kisses her back, digs her fingers against the back of taeyeon's neck, pressing lightly into her pulse. taeyeon sighs. then sighs again. then her tongue slips into her mouth and oh god, jessica thinks, oh god oh god oh god. she sighs and moans and she cannot _cannot_ hold them up by herself.

so she lets go. and they both fall to the ice.

taeyeon is first to laugh.

it's stupidly pretty, a sort of small, shy grin that lights up her entire face. she's even surprised that she's laughing, her hand pressing against her mouth as she glances over to a startled jessica, equally amused, equally lost.

"that was a bad idea," taeyeon murmurs.

"the worst," jessica quips. her voice is low. "but, you know. it happened... i guess."

taeyeon grins again. "it's probably going to happen again."

and jessica's stomach breaks into a bottomless pit of butterflies, curling and pushing against her, daring her to say something - because if she does, it's going to be stupid and she is going to regret it. instead, she sort of ducks, tucks her hair behind her ear.

"happy birthday then," she says, means it, and then scoots up, standing and reaching over to pull taeyeon up to her feet. they spin a little, wobbling as they sort of grope each other for balance. jessica feels like her brain is going to explode like this. everything is a little brighter, a little more confusing, and makes no sense at all.

"thanks," taeyeon breathes.

they hold hands on their way out of the rink, their fingers laced together as if it were one more time added to the million of the times that they've done this before. it feels a little old, a little more rusty, and she's going to lose her mind this way, she thinks.

but taeyeon squeezes her fingers. and that, there, that's it. not the kiss. not the conversation. just the simple press of her fingers over her own, over her knuckles, over her hands that she will swear later are so embarrassingly dry and her own. this feels real.

and maybe like a beginning.

maybe.

 

 

 

 

 

in london, _remember to love_ actually becomes **REMEMBER TO LOVE** which is weird, if anything, because she doesn't remember sitting down to write it. it just sort of happens. and it's not as therapeutic as it needed to be. not that she expected it to be. and maybe that's what it is: she just needs to move on and live.

but in london, she walks into her hotel room. she's texting heo youngji, hoping to meet for coffee before they actually start filming for their show. she's excited. she's sweet. and sort of ageless, which is something that jessica both admires and loves as it is. she drops her bag and spots the large, if not obnoxious vase of flowers sitting by the bed. all roses. all yellow and bright.

jessica laughs.


End file.
